Before my stick figure days, I used to make cards using Microsoft Clip Art gallery.

It was a real pain cropping and pasting pictures. Then I mastered stick figure art and abandoned clip art.

Since it's Christmas, I dug up a Mother's Day card I drew for my mom in 2004. 

It was a story about Christmas.

I made the card in Chinese but I translated it today.

Although Christmas has never been the same since that day, I'd always be grateful to my mom for making me believe in miracles.

It was a magical feeling. 

Merry Christmas.

 

 

PS: I just called my mom. She bought me angry bird slippers. Nice.

I had lots of fun. 

I dated. I slept. I saw friends. I spent time with my mom. I celebrated my birthday five different times. I made two friend-of-year's, a guy and a girl. I saw my childhood friends. I saw my baby cousin. I was reminded of how loved I am over and over again.

I got busy again in the back half of the year. But it wasn't insane.

Although I rested, I didn't stay idle. I zero-ed in on my plans. It wasn't deliberate, but, things just started connecting. So I researched.

Once I decide to do something, I always do it.

I said early this year, 2012 would be a year to live, not to achieve. My 2012 New Year Resolution. And I definitely lived.

I have plans for myself. I don't quite know what tone my 2013 would take. 

I won't let it be status quo. That's not me. I will make something happen.

I'm all for jumping off the cliff. Optimistically, I just assume someone will run after me with a rope.

May I get there.

2013

To live? To achieve? To change course?

I don't know, yet.

But, my gut tells me it would be exciting.

Regardless of how much my mom and I argue or get annoyed at each other, at the end of the day, when anything big happens, my mom will always be my safety blanket.

I couldn't get a hold of her the last two days. She was out sightseeing with her boyfriend. 

She forgot about me. 

I couldn't get a hold of her at home. I couldn't get a hold of her on her cell. I resorted to leaving her a Facebook wall post.

The one time I managed to get a hold of her was when it was 6am her time. She was asleep. We had no conversation whatsoever.

I finally got a hold of her just now. She was having lunch and couldn't chat.

She knew what I was nervous about and said she would check in with me tomorrow.

Thank goodness for mothers. They drive you insane, but they also keep you sane.

During this time, some warmth is always nice.

I understand layoff decisions are never easy.

Once, I had a GM who decided to let my boss go.

Later, he emailed a coworker and I with the following:

"As the longest standing members of the department it would be very nice if you arranged a little farewell for X with the team this week. Invite whoever you decide to include and expense it."

I don't like to go into detail about work on my blog. Nor do I want to comment on whether the personnel decisions were right or wrong.

However, I appreciated the GM's email. He made a business decision. But, another part of him, acted as a good human being.

I've always believed that character is higher than intellect.

It's important to be kind regardless of what you do.

Business is business. But there are also ways to act 'human' while making sound business decisions.

They are not always mutually exclusive.

It's hard for me to write this, because of all the intricacies.

But it deserves the space.

------

Since our break up 10 years ago, we've always kept in touch.

We don't see each other, but we talk regularly.

In many ways, he watched me grow up.

In more ways than one, he took care of me. 

------

He came home really late after a night with the guys, exhausted, and a little drunk.

He walked into the room. Instead of heading straight for the bed, I heard him rummaging through the closet.

Me, still half asleep: "Hey, come to bed."

Him: "I'm going to take a shower first."

Me: "Didn't you shower a couple of hours ago?"

Him: "Yes, but I smell like smoke. I know you don't like cigarette smell."

He patted me on the head and went into the shower.

 

Whatever he did, he always thought of me.

----

At 11pm, my phone rang.

Me: "I'm surprised it's you. Your wedding's tomorrow, aren't you crazy busy?"

Him: "Yes. Just want to say bye."

Me: "Why?! Are you not going to talk to me anymore?"

Him: "No. It's just symbolic. Take care of yourself."

Me: "Of course! "

I smiled.

I didn't expect this call.

------

His wife doesn't know that we still talk. 

When we chat, it's always during the day, while he's at work.

I'm not "Ling Chung" in his address book, I'm filed under a different name on his phone.

We don't see each other. We just chat regularly.

It's been like this for years.

------

A month ago, he called to tell me he was going on vacation, like he usually does.

That implied one thing: I shouldn't be calling, for he would be with his wife.

Something clicked.

There's something inherently wrong with this.

-----

The way I've always viewed our dynamic: there is no way in hell we would ever get back together.

We don't feel for each other that way. We've become family over the years.

Therefore, I didn't see anything wrong with us keeping in touch.

But, after that call, something felt wrong.

Yes nothing's going on between him and I.

Even so, if I were his wife, I would still be hurt. 

It's simply a breach of trust.

The trust issue had never crossed my mind.

------

I thought hard about what I needed to do. 

We had to stop talking. 

But, that was a hard decision to come to grips with.

He was much more than an ex, he was family.

I parked the issue. I needed time.

------

On my birthday, he called to wish me happy birthday.

I brought up the topic.

We toyed with some alternatives, all of them had disclosure issues.

It's one thing to be oblivious. But it's another when you know you're doing something wrong yet you still choose to do it.

I really don't want to cause a rift between him and his wife. I care for him too much for anything bad to happen to his family.

And, I say it very sincerely, I just don't want to hurt his wife.

We dismissed the alternatives. 

I teared.

------

On my 30th birthday, we broke up a second time.

Towards him, I'm full of gratitude. 

Good bye and thank you, truly. 

2 years ago, I'd never use the word 'emotional' to describe myself.

But I've realized, in many ways,  I am.

Excitement, frustration, ambiguity, acceptance, and all related synonyms.

They come in cycles.

I am emotionally flamboyant. I laugh and cry loudly.

I've never been a wait-and-see type person.

I love to wreck equilibriums.

The stall is killing me.

This irritable sense of urgency is definitely a form of emotion I have an abundance of.

Despite this prickly feeling, I embrace being able to 'feel'.

Irrationally giddy.

Irrationally down.

Feeling for logical people, could be a rational choice.

Some things should be emotional.

Love. Laugh. Cry. Think. Feel.

I choose to live rationally emotional.