cowdung

  • Lump or Bone?

    My gyno was showing me how to check for breast cancer.

    After some random button-pressing-like motions on my womanhood (more commonly known as boobies or the adults like to call them breasts), my gyno paused.
    Then she let out a small sigh of relief and went, "Oh, it's just bones."
    Gotta love my Asian genes 

  • Power Tools & Bandage Dresses

    I'm moving in 6 days. In packing frenzy.

    Some realizations:
    1. Man who are handy, major brownie points. Because I'm simply not. Thank goodness for Mom and her boyfriend. Or I'd be in trouble now.
    2. Being a man is tough, really tough.
    3. I'm starting a new hashtag called #iratherpopbabiesthanusepowertools. Yes, I rather pop babies than use power tools.

     

    I bought my first bandage dress.
    Some realizations:
    1. My girlfriend was right. This thing clings onto your skin tighter than how your psycho girlfriend or boyfriend clings onto you.
    2. Bandage dress is good for the eyes, not good for action. So damn hard to put on and take off. 
    3. As such, bandage dress is not first-time-sex friendly. Imagine you getting frisky. If it gets stuck (and it likely will, especially if the guy's doing the undressing), it'd be damn awkward.
    Profound thoughts I know.
    That is all.

  • Happy Mother's Day!

    Last night, I called mom from the office at midnight.

    Ling: "Happy Mother's Day!"
    Mom, pretending to be confused: "Huh, who?"
    Ling: "Who else? You."
    Mom: "Oh yes me, hehehe. Thank you."
    And she gave me a sheepish laugh.
     
    Mom: "Ok, let's sing."
    Ling: "Sing what?"
    Mom: "Happy Birthday!"
    Ling: "But it's not your birthday."
    Mom: "Then do Happy-Mother's-Day-to-you..." 
    And she started singing and clapping to the beat even before I said yes.
    Like daughter like mother, this is exactly what I do.
     

  • Mystery of the Missing Tampon

    Tampons can in fact fall out of you without you knowing. 

    I had a tampon crisis a couple of months ago. I thought I lost my tampon inside me. I swear I did not take it out, but for the life of me I could not find it anywhere. Trust me, I dug really hard, many times. 
    Afraid I was going to get an infection, I went to see my gynecologist. 
    She could not find anything either. 
    She said the tampon probably slipped out without me knowing. 
    I was like, "How can a tampon just slip out?"
    But... as I was taking a dump today, I realized, when you're pushing down there, you really can't control if you're exerting outward pressure to the front or the back. 
    If you don't believe me, try it for yourself. 
    Push.
    See what I mean?
    Tonight, I watched my tampon slip out while taking a dump.
    So that's likely what happened a couple of months ago!
    No wonder it's common for women to pass stool when they deliver babies. Because they are pushing.
    Same logic.
    I feel like Sherlock Holmes tonight.
    Mystery solved 

  • My Friend Is Very Mature

    Friend looked at my roommate's shoe rack.

    Friend: "Your roommate hasn't worn this pair of shoes for at least a month."

    Me: "She hasn't been home for a month."
    Friend: "Yes I know. Because I tied her two shoes together. The shoelaces are still in tact."
    Me: .......
    -----------
    Same friend.
    Friend: "Do you have an extra laptop?"
    Me: "Yes. It's my work laptop. Don't do anything stupid."
    The next day, while I was battling regression, I see a "Surprize!" folder on my desktop.
    Totally not suitable for work.
    My friend is very mature.
    But I admit, I'm not having a great night with regression. He made me laugh.

  • Why Should A Woman Take Her Husband's Last Name?

    I'm truly no feminist. I'm very grateful to the male species in my life.

    A girl friend logged in to her Facebook account one day to find her last name changed to her husband's.
    Her husband likely did it. I laughed when I heard the story. It was cute of her husband. 
    However, why should a woman take her husband's last name?
    I prefer not to for the following reasons:
    • In my generation, I'm one of the only two Chungs in our family. My cousin isn't close to the rest of the Chungs. I feel I carry the family last name. I want to make my clan proud. 
    • The kids will take his last name. Therefore I get to keep mine. If he's willing to let a kid take my last name, then sure, I can give up my last name if he wants.
    • I believe in a sense of identity. When I moved to Canada, I had the option of giving myself an English name but I did not. I stuck with my Chinese name. To me, my name is my identity. My identity should not be a revolving door.
    • Getting IDs changed is trouble that no one needs to go through.
    My initial position is this, however, I am not married to the idea. I'm open to discussion. But, it's definitely a conversation I intend to have. 
    I am a Chung and I'm proud.
    Feel free to visit my village. 

  • Dishwashers Are Scary

    For years I've used my dishwasher as a drying rack. Yes, very Asian indeed.
    The inside of my dishwasher is beginning to collect dust.
    I just spent the last 30 minutes wiping my dishwasher down with 1/2 a tub of Wet Ones.
    Counter intuitive I know. But I reckoned I should wipe my dishwasher down before I gave it a wash.
    I punched in "how to use a dishwasher" into almighty Google. 
    I followed the instructions. It said to turn the dial slowly to "start", and I did.
    Then, my dishwasher started to rumble. 
    It reminded me of King Kong beating its chest just as it's about to climb up some skyscraper.
    That was what my dishwasher sounded like.
    I decided to chicken out of this dishwasher experiment. 
    I turned the dial back to its original position.
    The last thing I wanted was a flood in my condo when I only had 4 hours of sleep the night before.
    It takes courage to use a dishwasher, and I had none.
     
    I hereby conclude, dishwashers are scary. 

  • My Invite

    I received an invite for a launch event today.

     

    Hey Guys,

    I just sent you an invite to this launch event. It's for my friend's startup... I sent it to you guys in particular because I thought you'd want to find out more.

    • Mou, they've already spoken to you I think but they just wanted me to extend the invite.
    • Lily, congrats on the radio airplay! Just thought you might be curious about this one.
    • Rah, I just figured you'd want to see how people in ent. are leveraging the tech to try and make money.
    • Ling, you're just nosy.
    • Nel, well....you just like music and tech in general.

    Anyway....let me know if you guys can make it out.

     

    I scored a nosy invite!

    Yeah. I'm curious and nosy.

    I like to be plugged in.

     

  • Nice And Not Nice

    After a long day at work, it's really nice coming home to a smiling security guard who deliberately extends his neck out of the security gatehouse just to wave me a "Hi!".

    Of course, I waved back with a beaming smile!

    Small things like that make me really happy.

    But, it's not very nice when it's 3am and I'm still sitting on the pottie waiting for my shit to come out.

    Shit, get with the program damn it.

    -----

    Sharing is caring.

    I care tremendously.

     

  • Why You Should Not Add Your Mom On Facebook

    1) You mom's friends will see you, add you and ask you funny questions

    On my Facebook wall

    Auntie A: "Are you getting married yet?"

    Me: "Not yet Auntie! I don't have a boyfriend."

    A month later. On my Facebook wall again

    Auntie A: "When you get married, host a reception in Taiwan. Let's have fun."

    Me: "Auntie, I think you would be one of my five friends if I do host a wedding reception in Taiwan."

    Several months later. Chinese New Year.

    Auntie A: "Do you have a boyfriend yet? Are you getting married soon? Let me know, I will give you a big red packet."

    Me: "Thank you Auntie. I will be sure to tell you when I get married."

    2) Your mom will start adding your childhood friends on Facebook and start commenting on posts she should not be commenting on

    Childhood Friend: "Your mom added me. I added her back. Please tell me it's not a mistake."

    Me: "Err, my mom's pretty adventurous on the internet. Good luck."

    Newsfeed: Jenny Chung (mom) has commented on <insert stranger's name>'s photo

    Mom: "Oh,"

    Mom: "such a nice picture."

    Childhood Friend: "Thank you Auntie!"

    Mom: "You've grown"

    Mom: "so big, what"

    Mom: "a pretty"

    Mom: "girl"

    Note: Mom's a novice typer so she keeps hitting "enter" by mistake.

    Intervention necessary.

    Me: "MOM!!! Stop commenting. This is not my photo! Nor is it my friend's photo! And, dear friend of Childhood Friend whom I don't know, I apologize for the ruckus here."

    3) Finally, her friends will go through you to speak to your mom

    On my Facebook wall

    Auntie B: "Little Ling, I left a message for your mom. She hasn't called me back. Can you please get her to call me? Thanks."

    Me: "Yes I will Auntie."

    ------

    My Mom's a Joke, Sequel

    Me: "Cute shirt"

    Mom: "It's Angry Bird!"

    <shoots her a weird look>

    Mom: "What? You don't know what Angry Bird is?"

    Me: "Just so you know, you're wearing a donkey."

    Mom: "Oh."

    AngryBirdDonkey

    Maybe one day, I will have enough mom jokes to publish a book. Gotta love older women.

    No I'm not being sarcastic. They are kind of funny.