I moved into my mom and her boyfriend's place recently.

Their dialogues open my eyes to a form of interaction I'm not familiar with.

Mom's bf: "Jen. Jen. Jen."

Mom: "Don't call me, you call me I die early."

Mom's bf chuckles.

-------

Mom walks into their bedroom from the living room.

Mom: "You ask me why I come in. I come in because I misssss yooooou."

Mom again: "But you know that not true. I come in because air con."

Mom chuckles.

Mom's bf rummages through the fridge.

Mom: "No no no no... don't touch. This for Ling. Don't touch."

Mom again: "You eat this. Healthy."

And she hands him a plate of vegetables.

Mom's phone often rings around the same time her boyfriend gets off work. Then, my mom would gather her keys and wallet and head downstairs. 20 minutes later, those two would re-emerge together with Tim Horton's coffee in their hands. This is their after-work routine coffee run. They do everything together.

I admit, it's kind of cute.

And I'm glad she's happy.

My sentiment about my move vs her sentiment about my move.

I'm the skinnier one.

I love ESL classes, for I no longer have to type in Chinese when communicating with my mom.

This makes trash talking on Facebook that much easier.

Here's how our conversation went:

Me, in reference to her profile picture: "This is ugly too."

Mom, in Chinese, translated: "You have a cute mom."

Me: "No, you have a cute daughter."

Me: "Lucky you".

Mom: "Yes, my daughter soooooo cute."

Me: "Ok, I approve this photo."

This sort of conversation could not have transpired prior to her ESL classes.

Ling: "Happy Mother's Day!"

Mom, pretending to be confused: "Huh, who?"

Ling: "Who else? You."

Mom: "Oh yes me, hehehe. Thank you."

And she gave me a sheepish laugh.

 

Mom: "Ok, let's sing."

Ling: "Sing what?"

Mom: "Happy Birthday!"

Ling: "But it's not your birthday."

Mom: "Then do Happy-Mother's-Day-to-you..." 

And she started singing and clapping to the beat even before I said yes.

Like daughter like mother, this is exactly what I do.

 

Not in the best plight, but I generally try to find a positive slant to everything.

I can go home for a shower and come back to the office at 11 pm and I'd have no one to answer to.

If I have a family or a boyfriend, I don't think I can rack up this sort of hours as freely. 

At least now, I have the liberty of not going home just to save time on the commute.

If I were living with someone, I wouldn't do this.

It's just not right to choose to sleep in the car.

Having a family or a significant other does mean that your time is not entirely yours.

I'd then have to keep them in mind and take into account how my schedule affects their quality of life.

An obligation that I'd gladly take.

However, right now, I do appreciate the time I have at my disposal to master my craft.

The word I've chosen is not complete, it's master.

I look forward to serenity after this month.

Whenever something bad happens. I always tell myself, "things could always be worse." 

And I look at how good my life is relative to other people, I genuinely believe in that.

The last four months felt long. I felt I cramped a full year into four months. 

Friends getting cancer. Family passing away. Changes at work.

The one sentiment I walk away with is ironically, acceptance.

I don't think life is particularly unfair. Life is simply different.

To my friends fighting their fates, keep your infectious positivity.

To myself, there are a couple of things I don't want to forget:

My last memory of Mommy reminds me that I should always take accountability for my actions. Whatever plight I'm caught in, it's likely a result of my own action at one point in time. Therefore, I should come to grips with the circumstance and understand that whatever that's happening is happening because of me, not because of anyone else.

Second, I tell myself: at one point, everyone loses their loved ones. It's a big deal, but it's also a part of life. Accept it. Many people in this world are going through greater pains.

Finally, I might die tomorrow. No one's to say I will live until I'm 80. That's a gift, not a right. But I should live my life in such a way that if I were to shut my eyes for good tomorrow, I'd leave smiling knowing that I made the most out of my life and that I've been a relatively good person despite my imperfections. 

That said, last post of melancholy, I promise.

------

I did a quick trip back to Taiwan for the funeral and I got to see my cousins! I haven't seen my Japanese cousin for over 10 years! He has two kids so I'm officially an aunt! Woot!

 

4 cousins, 3 countries.

My cousin's new lock screen, my work of art!

Where are you?

If you're a ghost, are you floating?

Can you visit me?

I want to know how you're doing.

Did it hurt? Is it dark? Are you scared?

Are you going to show up in my dream?

I usually would be scared, but if it's you, I promise I wouldn't be.

I want to see you one last time. Just to make sure you're ok.

I hate the word "condolences". It's such an ugly word.

I try to be an adult about this. I get on with my life.

When I'm with people, I forget. I even laugh.

When I'm working, I forget. I'm still productive.

But when I'm driving, my mind wonders. I get sad.

And before I fall asleep, my mind wonders even more. I get even sadder.

Tonight I balled. I sounded like a gorilla.

I feel a little bipolar. 

I'm my usual self for most parts of the day. 

But grief comes in blotches of ugly greys.

I'm ok with short one-way communication. But, I avoid extended interaction with people because I don't want to entertain.

I know I need an outlet, so I write.

I'm hoping, of all people, you'd get my message.

I'm going to sleep now. 

Can you visit me? 

And when you do, please don't just look at me. Talk to me.

I want to know how your'e doing.

The second is my aunt in Singapore. The one I grew up with. I've spent more days living with her than I've lived with my birth mom.

The third is my childless aunt in Taiwan. 

I call my birth mom "Mama", and I call my second and third "Mommy".

My three moms are not exactly on great terms. I talk to them more than they talk to one another. 

I'm not worried about my birth mom. She's a very jolly person.

I'm not worried about my 2nd mom, for she has three children by her side.

Regardless of how rushed my trips to Taiwan were, I always made sure to visit my third mom, even though she lived in a different city. She was always ecstatic to see me. 

To this day, whenever she introduces me, she still goes, "Meet my daughter."

18 hours ago, I lost my third mom, for good.

I wish my third mom lived a happier life, but it is not my life to regret.

I'm just glad, despite all the turmoil in the family, we stayed close.

It was a very simple dynamic. She's my mom. I'm her daughter.

---------

Bye mommy.

If there's a next life, I want you to be happier.

1953-2013

Too short.

Before my stick figure days, I used to make cards using Microsoft Clip Art gallery.

It was a real pain cropping and pasting pictures. Then I mastered stick figure art and abandoned clip art.

Since it's Christmas, I dug up a Mother's Day card I drew for my mom in 2004. 

It was a story about Christmas.

I made the card in Chinese but I translated it today.

Although Christmas has never been the same since that day, I'd always be grateful to my mom for making me believe in miracles.

It was a magical feeling. 

Merry Christmas.

 

 

PS: I just called my mom. She bought me angry bird slippers. Nice.

Regardless of how much my mom and I argue or get annoyed at each other, at the end of the day, when anything big happens, my mom will always be my safety blanket.

I couldn't get a hold of her the last two days. She was out sightseeing with her boyfriend. 

She forgot about me. 

I couldn't get a hold of her at home. I couldn't get a hold of her on her cell. I resorted to leaving her a Facebook wall post.

The one time I managed to get a hold of her was when it was 6am her time. She was asleep. We had no conversation whatsoever.

I finally got a hold of her just now. She was having lunch and couldn't chat.

She knew what I was nervous about and said she would check in with me tomorrow.

Thank goodness for mothers. They drive you insane, but they also keep you sane.