It's hard for me to write this, because of all the intricacies.
But it deserves the space.
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Since our break up 10 years ago, we've always kept in touch.
We don't see each other, but we talk regularly.
In many ways, he watched me grow up.
In more ways than one, he took care of me.
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When we were dating...
He came home really late after a night with the guys, exhausted, and a little drunk.
He walked into the room. Instead of heading straight for the bed, I heard him rummaging through the closet.
Me, still half asleep: "Hey, come to bed."
Him: "I'm going to take a shower first."
Me: "Didn't you shower a couple of hours ago?"
Him: "Yes, but I smell like smoke. I know you don't like cigarette smell."
He patted me on the head and went into the shower.
Whatever he did, he always thought of me.
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Years after our break up...
At 11pm, my phone rang.
Me: "I'm surprised it's you. Your wedding's tomorrow, aren't you crazy busy?"
Him: "Yes. Just want to say bye."
Me: "Why?! Are you not going to talk to me anymore?"
Him: "No. It's just symbolic. Take care of yourself."
Me: "Of course! 
"
"I smiled.
I didn't expect this call.
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His wife doesn't know that we still talk.
When we chat, it's always during the day, while he's at work.
I'm not "Ling Chung" in his address book, I'm filed under a different name on his phone.
We don't see each other. We just chat regularly.
It's been like this for years.
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A month ago, he called to tell me he was going on vacation, like he usually does.
That implied one thing: I shouldn't be calling, for he would be with his wife.
Something clicked.
There's something inherently wrong with this.
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The way I've always viewed our dynamic: there is no way in hell we would ever get back together.
We don't feel for each other that way. We've become family over the years.
Therefore, I didn't see anything wrong with us keeping in touch.
But, after that call, something felt wrong.
Yes nothing's going on between him and I.
Even so, if I were his wife, I would still be hurt.
It's simply a breach of trust.
The trust issue had never crossed my mind.
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It didn't feel right.
I thought hard about what I needed to do.
We had to stop talking.
But, that was a hard decision to come to grips with.
He was much more than an ex, he was family.
I parked the issue. I needed time.
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On my birthday, he called to wish me happy birthday.
I brought up the topic.
We toyed with some alternatives, all of them had disclosure issues.
It's one thing to be oblivious. But it's another when you know you're doing something wrong yet you still choose to do it.
I really don't want to cause a rift between him and his wife. I care for him too much for anything bad to happen to his family.
And, I say it very sincerely, I just don't want to hurt his wife.
We dismissed the alternatives.
I teared.
He said thank you.
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On my 30th birthday, we broke up a second time.
Towards him, I'm full of gratitude.
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Fatty, I'm a big girl now. I can take care of myself.
Good bye and thank you, truly.
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