I had a total of 2.5 hour sleep in 3 blocks of time today so this is going to be a brain-fart. Sorry. I just need to document this. Long post, don't bother if you have no remote interest in organizational behaviour, leadership or management.
When in doubt, ask. When you don't seek clarification, you risk widening the existing rift. This rift is formed often not based on true action or intent, but rather, based on poor interpretation on your part.
You will have allies in the organization. Inevitably, you will have adversaries too. The concept of trust is so simple and so fundamental. Yet many fail to close the communication loop. When in doubt, they assume, they do not seek clarification.
I've been on both ends. People have doubted my intent. I have doubted people's intent.
A little over a year ago, I was forced out of the very organization I helped build. I was lucky because the youth stood by me. They brought me back. This, was a critical juncture. I learned so many important lessons but I can only tackle one today.
This incident burned me. I loved the organization. I did not understand how anyone could accuse me of some of the things they accused me of. I felt betrayed. I cried. In public. If you know me, you would know, this does not happen often. During that phase, I woke up in cold sweat. I was consumed by nightmares. This, was the extent of how deeply the incident affected me. As such, I spent alot of time reflecting on the incident. I wanted to understand what happened. What did I do wrong? It took me 1.5 years to be able to blog about this incident. And even after this long, I'm not comfortable sharing all the details.
I was accused by my adversaries of exercising my influence within the organization to propagate my personal agenda.
I was perplexed and utterly hurt.
For close to a decade, I fought for and defended the organization with all my heart. Regardless of how tired I was, my commitment had never flinged. Nothing took precedence. I may give many priorities equal #1s, but this organization, was always, always, a #1.
I can touch my heart and say, my motive was clean. For me to be accused of such strong allegations, it was a huge blow.
However, I realized I was at fault too.
- Over the years, I have always effectively managed down, this is why the youth stood by me. But I failed to manage up. It never once occurred to me that the very people I started out with, would ever doubt me. Never. I thought our beliefs could never ever diverge. At some point, because of this naive belief, I stopped communicating. I just didn't think it was necessary. I stopped obtaining buy-in.
- I defended my ideas and points of view passionately, and most detrimentally, without tact. I believed that regardless of how rigorous our arguments were, we had the organization's best interest at heart. Thus the heated arguments would be overlooked. I attacked. I did not give the opposite party an out. And I never hesitated to point out how blatantly stupid some of my adversaries' ideas were. I basically failed to manage my adversaries' egos. I won most of the times, which simply exacerbated the situation.
As such, the two parties stopped communicating.
Frankly, until the incident happened, I had always trusted them. Regardless of how heated our arguments were, I had always trusted their intent. But, they had stopped trusting me. Because they had stopped trusting me, they had stopped sharing information with me.
Whenever I did anything, instead of talking to me to find out why my actions were as such, they assumed the worst. They assumed I was trying to gain dominance, that I was in a power war. I truly wasn't. There were rationales to my decisions.
They misinterpreted my actions, while I never knew my actions were misunderstood.
Days went by, a case started to build. A case built because of my poor communication and my poor EQ, a case built because of my adversaries' flawed assumptions.
Bottom line is this: they did not trust me. And they assumed the worst of me. If we had open lines of communication, this would not have happened.
Vice versa.
I have doubted people's intent. My only saving grace was, I learned from my previous mistake. I communicated. I openly expressed my concerns, in an attempted non-finger-pointing way (chipping off people's defensiveness is not my strength. I'm still experimenting). This individual taught me another important lesson. But this topic is for a different day.
Post talk, I gladly realized, my interpretation was wrong wrong wong. It helped me trust again. And with trust, whenever I encounter similar actions on part of the individual, I no longer assumed the worst. I simply don't.
This is one important lesson I take away this year. I have applied it in non-profit, and in work.
- Trust is imperative. Without it, you'd assume the worst.
- When in doubt, ask. Do not assume.
- Exercise tact, regardless of how comfortable you are with the party, ego management is vital.
- Do not assume values and goals will not diverge. They can. Trust needs to be constantly maintained, it's not a one-time deal.
Back to the original incident. How do I feel 1.5 years later? I admit to my faults. None of us here, are bad people. However, I still feel betrayed. And I will never forget.
Finally, thank you. The youth and the dinosaurs. Your support, gave me tremendous strength. I held on to it. Without it, I'd have crashed. Thank you for bringing me back.
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