I think it says a lot about the person's character.

Most people aren't rude.

But, somehow, there's a negative correlation between age and niceness.

Our tolerance drops. Our fuse becomes short. We turn easily irritable.

We brush people off. We forget to make eye contact. We forget to acknowledge people.

I have a friend who habitually asks minimum wage service employees how they are doing. When he says "thank you", he always looks at these people in the eyes and let out a genuine smile.

There's something inherently beautiful about this.

He puts me to shame.

So I strive to be more like him.

I've caught myself many times already. 

I'm never rude for no reason. But I do forget to aknowledge what some of these service employees do for me at times.

Kindness is beyond cutting a monthly cheque to a local charity.

My friend displays it in his everyday life.

I'm glad, I have friends who remind me of what kindness truly should be.

I told @akmybee, I've been reflecting on what Howard said to me the other day.

"At every stage in life, there's a different form of immaturity."

I looked back at my own life.

Having grown up differently, I'm used to doing everything on my own.

I've loosen up over the years. But as a teen, I took independence too far, even at the expense of efficiency.

I was dating Howard then.

Once, he had to drop me off at the airport and I was awfully late. I had two luggages, one big and one small. I said to Howard, "You take the small one, I'll handle the big one."

I wasn't joking. I went on to struggle with the big luggage.

When Howard wanted to help, I shooed him away.

He became visibly annoyed. He gave me a dirty look, loaded the big luggage, then the small one, and herded me into the car.

In the car, he said to me very sternly, "You are about to miss your flight. Yet, you fought with me to handle the big luggage, when it's clearly more efficient for me to do so. By doing so, you have effectively wasted 5 minutes of my time."

Howard rarely spoke sternly to me.

That incident taught me a lesson: insisting on doing everything myself was not necessarily a good thing. Since then, I've learned to lean on my boyfriend when the time calls for it.

Often, collectively, we could do more.

---

In my late teens and early twenties, in the dating arena, I thought I was invincible. I believed that if I wanted any relationship to work, I could make it work. I soon realized how wrong I was.

The naive belief that everything was in my control, was another form of immaturity.

---

In my mid twenties, I grew even more confident of myself. I took pride in my strong personality and my strong delivery.

However, over the last several years, many of my failures rooted to my assertive and unempathetic personality. After multiple setbacks, I realized, bulldozing over matters isn't the way to go. Although my strong personality helped me in many ways, it impeded me in others.

If I want to take myself to new heights, I need to vigilantly exercise restraint, to fight my natural urge to perpetuate my point of view. I need to consciously ask myself, "Where is this person coming from and why is he or she saying this?"

Although I used to look at 'softness' as a weakness, I've realized that it isn't. In fact, it could help me achieve more. I need to soften up, or I will forever be stalled. This is learning from yet another form of immaturity.

---

So indeed, at every stage in life, there is a different form of immaturity. You simply learn to overcome them one by one.

I've been functioning on half of my brain for a long time. I've turned stupid.

I have some thoughts percolating. But I'm missing a person to bounce ideas with.

I find it really hard to pick most people's brains for the following reasons:

1. You're really not that interested in the matter, you have little personal stake.
2. Hearing second hand info from my mouth already distorts the situation based on my subjective view of what's going on, so the information you receive is filtered.
3. I get lazy. Telling stories takes energy. I may like how you think, I may respect your opinion, but I may not want to have to explain the context. I'm just not in the mood. And when I have the energy to talk, you're not around. Scheduling in itself becomes a problem.

But, I admit, I miss a good passionate debate. Something that gets both of us riled up.

"This is what I see, what do you see?"

"This doesn't make sense."

"Why?"

"You may not listen now, but you will after you think it through." - And damn you would be right.

"Let's do something about this!"

Stole this off a Stanford presentation. Excellent characterization.

"People whose brains scare you, people whose brains help you."

Yes, people like that.

I'm looking for a partner.

I don't know if wanting to have the last word is common for most people.

It is for me. Growing up, I have always been caught up with wanting to win the argument.

But, over the last three years, I've noticed myself walking away from matters. Sometimes arguments, other times clarifications.

On small matters, when I disagree, I don't necessarily retort.

I find arguing petty matters absolutely draining. I walk away pissed. You still don't agree with me. We spend more time poking holes at each other's sentences as opposed to solving the actual problem.

The big energy sucking exercise provides absolutely no value most of the time.

If I don't respect your opinion, why should I care about what you think?

So to end the "discussion" as fast as I possibly can, I simply shut up.

I had a total of 2.5 hour sleep in 3 blocks of time today so this is going to be a brain-fart. Sorry. I just need to document this. Long post, don't bother if you have no remote interest in organizational behaviour, leadership or management.

When in doubt, ask. When you don't seek clarification, you risk widening the existing rift. This rift is formed often not based on true action or intent, but rather, based on poor interpretation on your part.

You will have allies in the organization. Inevitably, you will have adversaries too. The concept of trust is so simple and so fundamental. Yet many fail to close the communication loop. When in doubt, they assume, they do not seek clarification.

I've been on both ends. People have doubted my intent. I have doubted people's intent.

A little over a year ago, I was forced out of the very organization I helped build. I was lucky because the youth stood by me. They brought me back. This, was a critical juncture. I learned so many important lessons but I can only tackle one today.

This incident burned me. I loved the organization. I did not understand how anyone could accuse me of some of the things they accused me of. I felt betrayed. I cried. In public. If you know me, you would know, this does not happen often. During that phase, I woke up in cold sweat. I was consumed by nightmares. This, was the extent of how deeply the incident affected me. As such, I spent alot of time reflecting on the incident. I wanted to understand what happened. What did I do wrong? It took me 1.5 years to be able to blog about this incident. And even after this long, I'm not comfortable sharing all the details.

I was accused by my adversaries of exercising my influence within the organization to propagate my personal agenda.

I was perplexed and utterly hurt.

For close to a decade, I fought for and defended the organization with all my heart. Regardless of how tired I was, my commitment had never flinged. Nothing took precedence. I may give many priorities equal #1s, but this organization, was always, always, a #1.

I can touch my heart and say, my motive was clean. For me to be accused of such strong allegations, it was a huge blow.

However, I realized I was at fault too.

• Over the years, I have always effectively managed down, this is why the youth stood by me. But I failed to manage up. It never once occurred to me that the very people I started out with, would ever doubt me. Never. I thought our beliefs could never ever diverge. At some point, because of this naive belief, I stopped communicating. I just didn't think it was necessary. I stopped obtaining buy-in.
• I defended my ideas and points of view passionately, and most detrimentally, without tact. I believed that regardless of how rigorous our arguments were, we had the organization's best interest at heart. Thus the heated arguments would be overlooked. I attacked. I did not give the opposite party an out. And I never hesitated to point out how blatantly stupid some of my adversaries' ideas were. I basically failed to manage my adversaries' egos. I won most of the times, which simply exacerbated the situation.

As such, the two parties stopped communicating.

Frankly, until the incident happened, I had always trusted them. Regardless of how heated our arguments were, I had always trusted their intent. But, they had stopped trusting me. Because they had stopped trusting me, they had stopped sharing information with me.

Whenever I did anything, instead of talking to me to find out why my actions were as such, they assumed the worst. They assumed I was trying to gain dominance, that I was in a power war. I truly wasn't. There were rationales to my decisions.

They misinterpreted my actions, while I never knew my actions were misunderstood.

Days went by, a case started to build. A case built because of my poor communication and my poor EQ, a case built because of my adversaries' flawed assumptions.

Bottom line is this: they did not trust me. And they assumed the worst of me. If we had open lines of communication, this would not have happened.

Vice versa.

I have doubted people's intent. My only saving grace was, I learned from my previous mistake. I communicated. I openly expressed my concerns, in an attempted non-finger-pointing way (chipping off people's defensiveness is not my strength. I'm still experimenting). This individual taught me another important lesson. But this topic is for a different day.

Post talk, I gladly realized, my interpretation was wrong wrong wong. It helped me trust again. And with trust, whenever I encounter similar actions on part of the individual, I no longer assumed the worst. I simply don't.

This is one important lesson I take away this year. I have applied it in non-profit, and in work.

• Trust is imperative. Without it, you'd assume the worst.
• When in doubt, ask. Do not assume.
• Exercise tact, regardless of how comfortable you are with the party, ego management is vital.
• Do not assume values and goals will not diverge. They can. Trust needs to be constantly maintained, it's not a one-time deal.

Back to the original incident. How do I feel 1.5 years later? I admit to my faults. None of us here, are bad people. However, I still feel betrayed. And I will never forget.

Finally, thank you. The youth and the dinosaurs. Your support, gave me tremendous strength. I held on to it. Without it, I'd have crashed. Thank you for bringing me back.

I was driving home from work last night, and I felt, so at ease.

I have never felt this good physically, emotionally and financially.

I've been running at least 5km three times a week for 2.5 months. I feel in shape. I've upped my running to 10km once a week recently.

They say a woman's metabolism slows down after 25 but mine stayed the same. In fact, I lost the baby fat on my face.

I have short term and mid term goals in sight and am actively working towards them.

I love my job.

I love PUYO and it is in good hands.

I am financially much more stable than when I first got out of school.

Busy like hell, but I have never been this productive holistically. I've never felt so in control of my life.

I partied a fair bit in my late teens and early twenties. That was fun. I'm glad I had a vibrant social and dating life then. This is why I'm so clear on what I want now.

Now, I draw my energy intrinsically. This invisible hand propels me towards the direction I want. I have never felt this productive.

My body crashed on me last night. I slept for 12 hours straight, woke up for an hour and a half, and sunk into coma for another 3.5 hour. So basically, I slept from 1am to 6pm ish. Occassionally my body goes on strike like that.

If Genie exists, just let me stay awake forever.

All downhill post 25, lies!

I say the best is yet to be. Sweet serenity.

請記得， 時時為他人著想。
多以別人的觀點看事情。
讓它成為一種習慣。
發自內心去包容、寬容、信任及體諒。

控制自己的好勝心。

律己以嚴待人以寬。
做個仁慈的獅子。

發怒前， 請三思。

一路走來， 學到很多。
先是自覺，進而改進。

他的包容讓我汗顏
發現自己太自我， 什麼都是我。

回想， 所有A＋的前男友， 都是無條件包容的那一方。

自我， 可能讓你短期內佔上風。
積年累月， 絕對不會流芳。

如果你希望大家想起你是帶著笑容，
請記得， 自己先要付出。

共勉之。

Everyone goes through several critical junctures in their lives. Each defined by different encounters, each marked at a different point in time.

I have had a couple myself. Perhaps as time wears on, memories of what I thought were critical junctures in my life would become blurred, subsequently becoming insignificant. However, at this point in my life, at 26, I have had three critical junctures of which I relish upon. I will talk about one today.

My Childhood. My Days in Singpapore.

I lived in 40 Jalan Haji Alias in Singapore. If you google "Jalan Haji Alias", you would realize this street is synonymous to luxury, being located in an upscale area in Singapore. The immediate next door neighbour of this house was a local Minister; on the next street, lived the ex-Prime Minister Lee Kuan Yew. This gives you a sense of the neighbourhood.

I lived with my aunt's family in Singapore. My mom lived in Taiwan, and I was sent to Singapore for school. My aunt's husband was a relatively wealthy man; the household had two maids, a gardener, and a poolman. The kids were brought up in a typical preppy environment, which is one of the many reasons I was sent there - my mom thought she, as a widowed single mother, probably wouldn't be able to raise me in an ideal environment given her work schedule, hence she decided I would be best raised at my aunt's.

My aunt treated me like her own. I honestly believe that. My cousins treated me like their siblings. I honestly believe that. However, I was afraid of my uncle, my aunt's husband. For some odd reason, I was utterly afraid of him, to an extent I would not say one word when he was around. Other than the good-mornings, the good-nights and the good-byes, I would not utter a word, I kid you not.

As much as I was treated by most of the household as part of the family, I often felt.... different. I knew my mom paid my aunt monthly for my expenditures. But at the same time, looking back, I know that menial amount was probably more symbolic than anything. The type of lifestyle I had way exceeded the monetary amount my mom paid.

But if I had a choice, if I did, I would have forgone that type of lifestyle and lived a normal childhood. In a heartbeat, no hesitation.

I was unhappy. It was by far, by far, the toughest period of my life. By far. In the 26 years of my life, that 8 years as a child and teenager was the toughest I have ever experienced.

The big bungalo, the private pool, the beautiful lawns, the custom wall-papers, the crystal chandeliers, all in all, the luxurious living environment, had never been looked upon by me as a blessing.

I was constantly guarded as a child. I don't want to dive into too much details. But once, a tutor made a passing comment about the household. It stuck with me. He asked, "why does everyone in this house slam the door when he/she goes in and out?"

In that house, whenever I hear my name called out, an alarm bell would ring in my tiny head, "what the hell did I do this time?" I was constantly afraid, afraid I did something wrong.

I was very cautious as a child. Extremely sensitive to every comment. Perhaps because of my unique situation. I was extremely sensitive. I felt my existence was an inconvenience to my aunt's family, therefore I was more cautious than an average child. I tried my best to do things on my own, so as not to inconvenient others, as my existence had already done so.

I remember once I missed the school bus, I had to wake my aunt up in the morning to take me to school. Weeks later, she brought this up as a dinner topic. For her, it was just her way of bragging about how busy she was, how she was indispensible to the family, but for me, it was more than that, it was a red flag. Bragging to her husband, my aunt recounted all the things she did for this household, and of which, one of the things brought up was, driving me to school in the morning. That one time that I missed the school bus.

For everyone else, it was a passing comment. For me, it was a "Ling, don't ever inconvenience other people like that. Don't ever let it happen a second time."

Often, there would be opportunity for family pictures. Sounds simple enough. But whenever the group was herded for a family picture, I would ask myself, "am I family or am I not?" To prevent awkwardness, I would simply hide. Hoping that no one would notice me. This way, there wouldn't be that point of contention. Of course, when my aunt's family sees me, they would usher me into the picture. So a lot of the pressure was self induced, but I couldn't help it. As a child, I was extremely wary of my environment. I was constantly cautious of my every action.

I hated it.

I got to say, my aunt and my cousins treated me like their own. Once, my older cousin was working on assignment for his third language class, he was tabulating his family members in Japanese. I was beside him, listing his family members. I said, "Uncle, Mommy (I called my aunt Mommy), Do Do (my younger cousin), and Hao Hao (my baby cousin). I stopped. And my cousin added, "and you". I vividly remembered he added me.

That cousin fought with me a lot as a child. But I knew, he treated me like his sibling. I'm forever grateful. My younger cousin Dodo that's Toronto-bound in a month, treated me like her sibling. I knew, my cousins treated me like I was part of the family.

Despite all these, I often felt, I was a second class citizen.

My uncle was successful, but I had always felt he was condescending, even as a child, I felt that. I remember one time, my younger cousin had fishballs and he asked her if the fishballs tasted good. My younger cousin said no. My uncle then responded, "it must be from Taiwan". It might sound like a joke to you. Maybe it was. But, innately, I had always felt he looked down on my side of the family. I hated it, but yet I was afraid.

Silly as a child, I had many dreams. Some girls would wish for barbies, other girls would wish for other toys. Me on the other hand, wished for something very simple, something most girls had. I wished to go home. I would play silly games with myself. At a department store, I would make bets with myself. I would tell myself, 'if you manage to tiptoe through this stretch without stepping on the borders of the tiles, you can go home". Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose, regardless, my wish never came true. I knew the outcome. But, all I could do, was pray and hope. I played this game over and over again.

I was so afraid of inconveniencing people, I didn't want to bother anyone with anything unless I absolutely had to. I was at an awards ceremony one year, I think I was in grade four. All the parents were sitted in the audience, as I lined up to go on stage, Flea's mom, exclaimed, "why isn't anyone here to take your picture?" She took a picture of me receiving the award, and had Flea pass on the picture, I still have that photograph. I didn't invite my aunt. I didn't want her to make the extra trip, so I opted not to invite her.

Because I often felt like a second class citizen, I felt I had to be better in other areas. That set the ground for some of the traits I'm thankful I have today. My determination and my discipline are all functions of my experience as a child. I had to take initiative. I learned to set goals for myself. To achieve my goals, I had to be disciplined. These traits became second nature to me. As a child, it wasn't a choice. I received positive reinforcement when I did well, so I strived to do well. It helped me hold my head up high in a family where I felt like a second class citizen.

An epiphany hit me recently. I began to see the connection between my philanthropic inclination and my childhood. I realized, I tend to gravitate towards the underpreviledged. I tend to help those that aren't noticed by other people. I tend not to gravitate towards the superstars, I like to help those that are commonly viewed as the 'peripherals'. I recently realized it is because these people strike a chord in me. They remind me of myself. I know what it is like to be a second class citizen. I know how it feels to be alienated. Therefore I try my best to make these people feel important.

This is not merely evident in my recent endeavours in non-profits. I realized, this tendency has been deeply rooted in me as a teenager, and it is something that would likely stay with me forever.

Before I left for Canada, my grade seven class collectively gave me a series of presents. Part of it comprise of a collection of letters that each of them wrote to me prior to my departure. I remember a girl commented on something. She said, I would always make an effort to speak to HL, she was the outcast of the class. No one spoke to her. But I would make an effort to. And that influenced some other girls to do so as well. In the letter, my classmate called me out on it. I realized, because of my experience as a child, I have a soft spot for those I view as 'second class citizens'.

I think I'm extremely fortunate to be given the opportunity, the circumstance, to not feel inadequate. My reasons were environmentally induced, and I got out of it the moment I left that household. I moved into a boarding school when i was 14 and I felt liberated in every way. The moment I was on my own, the moment I felt I wasn't inconveniencing anyone, I got out of that self-conscious hole.

Some people aren't so lucky. And, I truly feel for them. Not everyone, is as fortunate as I am. I am someone that can conjure the resource to help people like that, therefore I shall.

My childhood was tough. It was the darkest period of my life. However, I got a lot out of it. It shaped my personality, it gave me the ability to feel content, and it helped me make sense of my passion in non-profits. Nevertheless, if you were to ask me, if I were able to turn back the hands of time, would I go through my childhood all over again?

Even if I know how much I would gain out of it, my answer would still be a 'NO'. Even at 26, I do not have the courage to do it all over again.