Anita & I met up with a fellow community organizer yesterday.

Her pace was fast, her adjectives were colourful, her hands were all over the place.

She talked about her experiences in India, in Vancouver, in Thailand.

Her eyes sparkled!

The details, don't matter.

------

Two months ago, a friend dropped by my condo.

He spoke about his work with unequivocal disdain.

He complained about the long hours. About his 5-digit bonus. Albeit higher relative to his coworkers, it was not enough to compensate for the extra hours. He said he would feel more balanced if his bonus was a tad higher, knowing full well, an increase in his bonus would translate to a decrease in his coworkers'.

He had no stories, he had words.

I asked him,

"What do you want to do?"

"What are you passionate about?"

He shook his head.

30+ years into his life, he didn't know.

His eyes, were grey.

------

So many of my corporate friends, make so much more money than my non-corporate ones. But so few of them, have sparkles in their eyes.

They can't help it.

They would find a passion if they could.

But they just can't find one.

I've seen sparkles in people's eyes. I have sparkles in mine.

I hope, you too, find sparkles in your eyes one day.

It turned my world into pink bubble gum icecream.

Maybe it would do something for you too.

I consider myself an emotionally pretty healthy person.

But even for an optimist like me, life is not always beautiful. I am not always confident. The sky is not always clear blue.

Occassionally, I suffer from moments of low self-efficacy.

Early this evening, I listened to an interview of a 33 year-old female entrepreneur who graduated from Kellogg in 2005.

I mentally started working the Math backwards. So she's 33 now, she graduated when she was 27, that means she started her MBA when she was 25. And now, she owns a successfull Infant Accessories business and has two babies, a boy and a girl.

I'm 28. I have yet started my grad school let alone graduated from it. I work a corporate job like every other monkey in the world.

So, in the 28 years of my life, why haven't I achieved more?

Even as I was questioning myself, I knew full well I was being an idiot.

Nevertheless, I couldn't help feeling behind in life.

I got home from work at about 9:30pm. Went downstairs to do my usual 5km jog at the condo gym. As I was heading back up to my condo, my building superintendent, Henry, in his Spanish accent, greeted me with a warm and thunderous, "Hey there hello! How you doing?!"

This radiant, plump middle-aged man sounded so upbeat! I gave him a big smile.

As I was kicking my running shoes off at my door, I began to think straight.

I asked myself,

"Do you like Henry?"

"Is Henry a happy person?"

"Do you want to be happy like Henry?"

I answered, "Yes", "Yes" and "Yes".

Henry's the everyday Joe, but he's perfectly happy (I'm sure he has his worries).

Do I think less of Henry because he is a Superintendent? - No!

So......

Why do I have to accomplish more than others?

Why do I have to chase after icons I see on TV?

Why do I allow myself to feel inadequate?

Henry is happy. So should I.

And I became happier. That simple. Weird how little things around you can remind you to be grateful for what you have instead of chasing after what you don't have.

So that was my couple hours of slump and the turnaround. The Henry-turnaround.

My grad school applications went in.

I set a goal for myself in November and I hit it. I can't say they were the best applications, but, they were my best.

My essays were very personal, very Ling. I am very proud of the fact that I didn't have to 'big' anything up. Although some lines were indeed cliche, I truly meant what I wrote. If you could hear me speak about my experiences, you would hear the Ling in every line.

The last two months haven't been a walk in a park. Even by my standards, I'm not quite sure how I survived.

I remember waking up naturally after 3 to 4 hours of sleep in the hospital, trying to convince myself that I should sleep a little more. I remember creeping out of the hospital ward while my mom was still in bed. I remember attempting to connect to VPN through the hospital lobby's choppy wireless. I remember cussing at the archaic systems and processes I  was dealing with for my customer deliverable. I remember giving up hope on studying for GMAT altogether while I was building my customer deck on my vacation time. I remember being asked by the security guard to return the chairs to the coffee shop that was about to open for the day. I remember waking up with a fever on my test day.

I remember not knowing how I was going to survive; but yet, at the back of my mind, I knew, I would.

I am not particularly smart. But the one thing I am is this: I don't cut corners. I put in my dues. I've said this before. I recognize my shortcomings. To make up for it, if you sleep 6 hours, I'm willing to sleep 5. If you sleep 5 hours, I'm willing to sleep 4. I've always believed, step by step, no matter how many times I fail, one day, I will get there, in my own way. This childlike optimism continues to drive my actions.

With regards to my reference selection, some friends were surprised I did not use my access to local politicians. Instead, I chose a partner in PUYO to provide me with my community reference.

I believe my experience will speak for itself. I much rather have someone truly speak to my experience than have someone do so just so that I could use his title. I believe, no one, is in a better position to write me a reference letter compared to the three I've chosen.

Someone said to me, "You do realize, the place you're applying to, is the name-drop capital of the world right? Just thought I would point out the irony." Someone else said to me, "Why would you decrease your chance of admission?" Another someone said to me, "It's not what you know, it's who you know."

I may not get accepted. But, if I were to get accepted, I want to get in, in my own way.

No one can ever dispute with me on what works best for me. Because I know myself best.

If any of you are applying to grad school, you're going to start hearing different sources of advice. You need to gather a varied pool of information to formulate your own opinion. But ultimately, it is your application. It is your story. You know best.

I may not get in. But, I've put my best foot forward. If my best foot forward is not enough, I will try again next year.

One thing I would do though, is continue my path, my way.

My hair is oily.

My gut is protruding.

My lashes are diminishing.

My face is expanding.

My stamina is wearing.

But I refuse to fall.

I will hold on - as I look to the day, I prove you wrong.

Just you wait.

I will get there, in my own way.

------------

Oh btw, in layman's terms, I'm pretty ugly right now.

Dear Me,

Yes December was a rough month for you. For the last 10 days or so, you gotta admit, you've slacked. I'd cut you some slack because indeed you had a rough month. But, it's time to buck up again.

You're in your final stretch. Finish it with a bang. Yes, your most dreaded test is over. But, if you don't give the final stretch a power run, you're still not going to make it. Remember, in Nov, you set a goal for yourself. Don't just hit it, do it right. Give it your best. Do not, underestimate the amount of work that goes into it, albeit this being part of the process you're the most comfortable with.

You've been seeing friends. Yes they are visiting from out of town. But, try to get into the zone again ok?

You don't have much time left.

Don't stop. Keep trutting.

I believe, you can do it.

Happy 2011. 2010 was a good year.

"Done last frikken chemo!!! Now to tank one more week of suffering..."

If you see a Facebook status as such, from someone you haven't spoken to in years, what would your reaction be?

My mind silently went, "what the f*ck" - that was my instinctive reaction.

Vague recollection of a bald-headed profile picture began to emerge.

I clicked into Andy's profile picture, and started reading the captions more carefully.

The caption said, "For my last act... I shall disappear my hair!"

With no context, this appears to be an innocent enough picture doesn't it?

I read on.

Among the umpteen comments, Andy responded,

"LOL it's cause I'm gonna start chemo... so instead of balding I beat the chemo to it!"

------------

We exchanged messages after.

Andy explained, "... I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma stage 2 - one of the most curable cancers known to man! Hence the positive attitude. =p"

Frankly, with this post I really don't need to elaborate much.

Yes this is a highly curable cancer with a strong survival rate.

But friends, if this were to happen to you, would you be able to handle it with such candor? With such grace?

For the record, Andy is only turning 19 this year.

Andy was an E3 Challenge graduate from 2007. At planning meetings, we used to discuss team dynamics of all E3 teams at length. Andy was in a low-morale team. I still recall, how the mentors used to highlight Andy's positive attitude during the competition.

3 years later, Andy continues to shine, in his own way.

Regardless of age, you would be surprised at what you can learn from the younger ones.

Happiness, is an attitude.

Circumstances can be tough, indeed tougher for some. But, try hard, to choose to be happy.

------------

Andy, we hope to see you soon.

Disclaimer: This post is published with permission.

Related Post: What I've Learned From The Younger Ones

Never say you don't have time.

If you want something that bad, you will make time.

If you don't, that means you don't want it bad enough.

This is what I've been telling myself. It pumps me up. At least at that moment it does.

About a year and a half ago, I made a passing comment about how much I've learned from the people in PU.

Someone proclaimed in surprise, "Really, you actually learn from people in PU?"

She was surprised because I am just about as 'old' as it gets in the organization. So, who's there to learn from?

Read this.

"I search. I strive. I find. And when I don't, I keep trying."

Case 1. This is Charm's personal statement. I used to have to edit the crap out of her writing, but she wanted to write, and she continued to do so. She just kept trying. Several nights ago, I received an email from another PUer. "Holy, Charm's writing improved alot." I agree. And it's because she lives by her personal statement. Year after year. Year after year. Year after year.

Case 2. I went through several iterations of business school supplementary essays with a PUer. He rewrote the essays three times. In the end, at 2:30am the night before the essays were due, I copped out and rewrote part of his essay one for him. It was simply faster for me to write instead of edit. I had work the next day. 

He emailed me the following day,

"I was really at a crossroad... with respect to academic honesty and what not I really didn't know how to deal with this amount of help... I tried my best to personalize it and not take directly from your writing..."

His email conveyed his sincerity. It wasn't empty polite words. I respect his integrity.

These may be traits that you already have. But when you see people around you living with certain values day in and day out, it does reaffirm some of the values you hold so dearly. Lessons are not bounded by age.

Sometimes, the young ones can teach you a thing or two. Or at least remind you of what could have been easily forgotten. This is why I think the company you keep is imperative.

PU Orientation 2010

Aside 1: I'm so effed. Major deadline tomorrow and I have a bunch of unproven hypotheses. Simply great.

I received a postcard in the mail today. I thought to myself, "who do I know in London would send me a postcard."

It was a pleasant surprise.

I have never met the girl.

We've always corresponded through internet over the years. Our paths crossed several years ago regarding her university application, I offered my perspective as a then-business-student and encouraged her to apply to a university outside of her hometown. At least I think that's what happened. It's truly a blur now. Throughout the years, this girl has always updated me about her life and about the various school clubs she has joined. These updates bring smiles to my face. She's doing very well.

Because of my non-profit involvement, I work with a fair bit of youths. Till this day, university application season marks a busy time for me because I usually receive a couple of reference requests. I have two on-hand right now.

My personal motto is this: so long as you've worked for the organization, I feel like I owe it to you to try my best to help.

Most of the time, reference writing is a pleasant experience. However, I have received reference requests from people who only email me when they need me to write them reference letters.

Let's put it this way. I will write you a reference letter because, 1) you have put in hard work for the organization, 2) I have worked with you enough to write something substantial about you, and most importantly, 3) because I care.

Frankly, because I care, it's disheartening when I feel you don't. It does not happen often, but there are times when I feel a little used. I would never hear from the person unless he/she wants something from me - even after I initiate contact to check up on him/her.

An update email, shows that you care enough to keep in touch. You would be suprised how far sincerity takes you.

Now Penny, thank you.  You always make me feel warm and fuzzy.

4:15pm.

My phone rang. I was at work.

On his drive home, his thoughts consumed him. He picked up the phone and called. He needed to talk.

"My dad worked hard all his life......"

I listened.

I knew, he didn't call for a solution. He called, for support.

"You should get your physical done."

He paused... and he choked.

------

Frailness and death, such an omni-present part of life.

Its ubiquitous presence often makes us forget, how big it truly is, and how small other things are in comparison.

Even as I write this, I cannot feel it. It's hard to, when you're not confronted by it.

------

I woke up, months ago, in an utter state of disarray. My mom was dying. Another he, had cancer. He was dying. In the dream, I felt it. For that episecond, I felt it.

The Dove crisis paled in comparison. Nothing mattered anymore.

I woke up. In a lethargic state, I said to myself, "The Dove crisis, really isn't a crisis."

Nothing's a crisis, when you know that people around you are slowly passing.

------

That dream, as illusional as it had been, was nothing short of pragmatic. It made me realize, how small, most things are.

The anger and the anxiety became unwarranted.

When confronted with life and death, that's when your feelings' most real. That's truly when, you set your priorities straight.

At least, for me.

-----

On the other end of the phone, I offered words of consolation. I admit, I was not very good.

But, I understood.

It is a big deal.

And he understood my intention. Despite it being masked under my clumsy words.

Just like how I prayed for him when he walked down the aisle years ago, I pray for his dad, sincerely.

Because, he is a kin. And I wish nothing but the best for his love ones.