Whenever something bad happens. I always tell myself, "things could always be worse." 

And I look at how good my life is relative to other people, I genuinely believe in that.

The last four months felt long. I felt I cramped a full year into four months. 

Friends getting cancer. Family passing away. Changes at work.

The one sentiment I walk away with is ironically, acceptance.

I don't think life is particularly unfair. Life is simply different.

To my friends fighting their fates, keep your infectious positivity.

To myself, there are a couple of things I don't want to forget:

My last memory of Mommy reminds me that I should always take accountability for my actions. Whatever plight I'm caught in, it's likely a result of my own action at one point in time. Therefore, I should come to grips with the circumstance and understand that whatever that's happening is happening because of me, not because of anyone else.

Second, I tell myself: at one point, everyone loses their loved ones. It's a big deal, but it's also a part of life. Accept it. Many people in this world are going through greater pains.

Finally, I might die tomorrow. No one's to say I will live until I'm 80. That's a gift, not a right. But I should live my life in such a way that if I were to shut my eyes for good tomorrow, I'd leave smiling knowing that I made the most out of my life and that I've been a relatively good person despite my imperfections. 

That said, last post of melancholy, I promise.

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I did a quick trip back to Taiwan for the funeral and I got to see my cousins! I haven't seen my Japanese cousin for over 10 years! He has two kids so I'm officially an aunt! Woot!

 

4 cousins, 3 countries.

My cousin's new lock screen, my work of art!

Where are you?

If you're a ghost, are you floating?

Can you visit me?

I want to know how you're doing.

Did it hurt? Is it dark? Are you scared?

Are you going to show up in my dream?

I usually would be scared, but if it's you, I promise I wouldn't be.

I want to see you one last time. Just to make sure you're ok.

I hate the word "condolences". It's such an ugly word.

I try to be an adult about this. I get on with my life.

When I'm with people, I forget. I even laugh.

When I'm working, I forget. I'm still productive.

But when I'm driving, my mind wonders. I get sad.

And before I fall asleep, my mind wonders even more. I get even sadder.

Tonight I balled. I sounded like a gorilla.

I feel a little bipolar. 

I'm my usual self for most parts of the day. 

But grief comes in blotches of ugly greys.

I'm ok with short one-way communication. But, I avoid extended interaction with people because I don't want to entertain.

I know I need an outlet, so I write.

I'm hoping, of all people, you'd get my message.

I'm going to sleep now. 

Can you visit me? 

And when you do, please don't just look at me. Talk to me.

I want to know how your'e doing.

• Are action items from meetings completed?
• How are our leads and execs doing? Are they disgruntled? Will they quit?
• How are the actuals rolling in against our budgets? Will we break even?

Yet, the highlight of my PUYO year last year, had nothing to with the tacticals. 

The highlight was when these photographs came through my inbox.

 

 

(Read more about Justin's wishes here)

I told myself, "Ling, remember this feeling. Don't forget, this is why you do what you do."

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Elain, a wonderful classmate of mine organized a charity event "Mark My Heartprint" in Hong Kong last summer.

It was beautiful watching volunteers, caregivers and people with developmental disabilities come together.

Absolutely beautiful.

Elain's Mark My Heartprint event was an inspiration.

PUYO can do so much more than simply cutting a cheque to its beneficiary. 

We often get lost in our planning chaos. In the process, we get caught up with delivering the projects, but we forget why we do what we do.

With this year's Paint-A-Thon, we hope to work more closely with our beneficiary. 

We want PUYOers to engage with our cause directly, not through any secondary medium.

When we talked about our initial plan, many PUYOers became excited. Some PUYOers even came out of retirement to work on the expanded programming.

This tells me, PUYOers' hearts are in the right place - this is very reassuring.

As our projects become more complex, we get lost in administration.

PUYOers, each of you, are in PUYO for a different reason. 

Of our three values (youth development, empowerment and philanthropy), philanthropy is the one we're collectively the most disengaged from.

Let's bring the heart back into PUYO.

One day, first generation PUYOers will retire. 

The second is my aunt in Singapore. The one I grew up with. I've spent more days living with her than I've lived with my birth mom.

The third is my childless aunt in Taiwan. 

I call my birth mom "Mama", and I call my second and third "Mommy".

My three moms are not exactly on great terms. I talk to them more than they talk to one another. 

I'm not worried about my birth mom. She's a very jolly person.

I'm not worried about my 2nd mom, for she has three children by her side.

Regardless of how rushed my trips to Taiwan were, I always made sure to visit my third mom, even though she lived in a different city. She was always ecstatic to see me. 

To this day, whenever she introduces me, she still goes, "Meet my daughter."

18 hours ago, I lost my third mom, for good.

I wish my third mom lived a happier life, but it is not my life to regret.

I'm just glad, despite all the turmoil in the family, we stayed close.

It was a very simple dynamic. She's my mom. I'm her daughter.

---------

Bye mommy.

If there's a next life, I want you to be happier.

1953-2013

Too short.

Because you may find that, like me, you're placing energy on the wrong priorities.

---------

What have I done with my life? Why haven't I achieve more? Why are things still status quo?

The pattern is uncanny: it's always achievement-oriented.

A good friend asked me the other day. 

"What is your life mission?"

I responded:

• To be happy
• To be a person with good character
• To make a difference in the world by helping people
• To be the best that I can possibly be

The question stumped me. It doesn't.

I spend significant time chasing accomplishments. Yet, I definitely wouldn't call 'accomplishment' a life mission.

Why do I need societal definitions of success - a prestigious education, a sought-after job or a coveted award - to fulfill my life missions?

I don't deny, whenever I fall into slump mode, the trigger is usually a recent lack of achievements.

This life mission question my friend asked me really helped me screw my head back on straight.

In one of the things I was working on, I did not like the fact that a superstar was outperforming me. I wanted to be the number one golden child like I had always been.

But, this is absolutely stupid. I am getting distracted.

Becoming the best that I can possibly be involves producing my best work, it does not involve being recognized as #1.

It's great to benchmark. High performing teams usually have high performers that benchmark against one another. But it's not good when you let it become a 'noise' in your life.

What other people do is out of my control.

Where else what I do is very much within my control. I need to stay intrinsically motivated.

Applying this 'life mission check' helps me manage my agitation. It tells me clearly, where I should focus my energy.

Thank you, Friend.

---------

I was at PUYO's beneficiary presentation on one of my slump days. I went into the beneficiary in a 'blah' mood, but I came out inspired.

The Centre for Dreams

I absolutely love how happy and hopeful they are.

Again, one of those things that keep me in check.

I've been in so many meetings recently, I come home feeling absolutely brain damaged.

My head was pounding last night. 

But my friend left a smiley on my hand.

He said, if I get sad, the smiley would make me smile.

And if I get really sad, I can stretch my hand to make a fatter smiley, which would make me smile even more.

The smiley didn't wash off. 

It kept me smiling this morning. 

I looked at my hand while driving into work.

It was a funny sight.

A good friend said to me, "Ling, one brick at a time. Don't get too caught up with the wall right now."

I ran through a list of things I'm working on right now. 

I put them under three general lists:

1. I do them because they will help me get to my end goal eventually.
2. I do them because I love what I do. i.e. PUYO
3. I do them because they are part of my responsibilities.

The fact that I feel stagnant means that nothing I'm doing right now is providing the right mental stimulus. 

I'm going to force myself to do something new. I have three things in mind that I could start to make me feel alive again.

I intend to pick up only one of the three because I don't have the capacity to do more. 

But, picking up something new would require me to deprioritize something from list 3, which essentially means, not giving my 100%. This will bug me.

So I asked myself, am I comfortable with being uncomfortable?

To help me get to my answer, I reminded myself of my end goal.

If things on list 3 aren't helping me achieve my end goal, regardless of how uncomfortable I am about not giving my 100%, I need to let go.

I intend to reverse my state of stagnation. The process will irk me because it involves consciously not doing my best. But checking everything I do against my end goal assures me that I am making the right decision.

Therefore I'm going to do it.

Right away.